there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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