There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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