2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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