so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
