so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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