So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
