The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
