after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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