I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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