So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
