I should be sponsored by Trojan
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
