So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
