I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
