all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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