I have demons in me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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