Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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