he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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