i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
