I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
