Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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