Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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