so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
