My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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