Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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