Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
