I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
