It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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