Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
