Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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