Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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