Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
