Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
