Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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