Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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