I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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