I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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