It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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