Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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