Barsexuality is the new black.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
MIDGETS
????
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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