That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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