Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
