I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
