You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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