no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
