Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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