in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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