we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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