My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
