update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
