After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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