All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
