it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We have so much sex to catch up on
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
